the new token ”ethnic” colleague is rotated out every 6 months.

Follow these fool-proof steps and you’ll be skyrocketing to agency superstardom in no time:

1. Speak loudly and obnoxiously. When people can’t possibly ignore you, they can’t pretend that you don’t exist. ;)

2. Rinse and repeat. Pretend you know what you’re doing by repeating what others are saying to you. You’ll come off as super intelligent because you think exactly like everyone who has a great idea. The following terms should be your BFF’s: “exactly,” “that’s what I was thinking too,” “yep, totally agree” and “I love it.”

3. Like a lion stalking its prey. When another office’s leadership comes through the office, sit, watch and wait for your chance to tell them how much you like their hair cut, jewelry, anything. Observe closely and go in for the proverbial kill when they walk your way.

4. “I love your shirt!” When all else fails, compliment your manager’s shirt. It doesn’t matter if it has some god awful geometric pattern with neon colors on it, you own that shirt and you love it.

e-mail correspondences are full of passive aggressive smiley faces, exclamation points and the thinly veiled, “make sense?”

everyone around you says “you know” and “obviously” at the beginning of every sentence.

Today, I’ll examine the intricately crafted “welcome to the team” e-mail. Nothing spells insincerity and pretension more than this single e-mail officially welcoming a new teammate into the fold. Now, there are three types of welcome e-mails:

1) The e-mail that is full of crap because everyone knows the wrong person was hired, or the wrong intern was promoted. This happens when an intern has successfully identified the middle manager most susceptible to a serious case of brown nosing, and thoroughly stuck his nose in it for 3 long months. By the time he emerged, he smelled like crap but he didn’t care because his efforts paid off - a permanent job has been secured. Now, PR pros may be morons, but idiots they are not. The rest of the team smelled the crap coming long before the “welcome to the team” e-mail even dropped into their inboxes. So, in a poorly disguised and aspirational note, the middle manager creates a laundry list of qualities in the new hire to mask the stench of crap. The e-mail will be filled with lies posing as qualifications and claims worthy of winning the “over statement of the year” award. For example, if the intern complimented the middle manager everyday for 3 months, the middle manager will say that the intern has contributed immensely to the team. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

2) The second type of welcome e-mail comes from those who feel they have something to prove, and they want everyone to bow down. Whether or not the new hire is qualified is up in the air. It’s a fact that PR flaks cannot be trusted. If she searched through the Cision media database for a TIME reporter so that her VP could pitch the story, she will say she coordinated and secured the coverage. If she printed out a PR plan for her team, she will say that she drove the plan from inception to completion. Just a little white lie. Since when did a little lie hurt anyone?

3) The third type of welcome e-mail comes from the fresh faced new hire who is full of hope and promise. Her e-mail will state no less than 5 times how excited she is to join the team and begin contributing. This type of e-mail is the most unfortunate kind. If PR flaks love anything more than themselves, it’s the prospect of using and abusing new hires who don’t know any better than to put their faith in their colleagues. The PR flaks will unleash their claws and suck the life out of this innocent girl before she realizes how much her life sucks, and the world full of twilight and glitter she once knew has dissipated.

Well, new colleague, regardless of which route you took to come upon your welcome e-mail, you successfully PR’d your way into a new job. For taking another step away from principles and dignity, I say to you: Welcome to the suck!

Disgruntled employees are furiously drafting blog entries in e-mail to give off the impression that they are being productive team members and working.

If your goal is to make a good impression on the less-than-enthused PR professionals you will either interview or work with, you’ll need to whip out the PR dictionary titled, PR Bible of Stupid Lingo that Should be Banished to the Depths of Hell (PRBSLSBDH). There is this insatiable appetite among PR execs to be above the curve with all sorts of new lingo, sayings and expressions. What drives this thirst can be boiled down to the emptiness that reverberates through the typical flak’s shallow soul: they crave acceptance by peers, want recognition as being one of the girls (no boys in PR land) and want to be in the know.

Below is a smattering of some of the most inane PR jargon used widely in the industry. Note that 8 times out of 10, the words will be used incorrectly:

Leverage

Dictionary: to exert power or influence on

PRBSLSBDH: use this word if you want to sound like you’re actively providing value. But remember, you don’t actually want to follow through on your promise to exert your will and power over others because that would mean you’d have to do some real work

Example: I’ll leverage my media contacts to see what they think about our event

Ecosystem

Dictionary: the complex of a community and its environment functioning as an ecological unit in nature

PRBSLSBDH: one should use “ecosystem” when you want to describe a team, a group or the agency, but want to spice things up a bit and sound fashionably green and scientific

Example: our ecosystem is flourishing this fiscal so we’re on track to outperform the last term

Utilize

Dictionary: to employ something in an act that is not for its intended purpose

PRBSLSBDH: this simply means “to use” but with an air of arrogance and pretention. Note that everyone in PR uses this word incorrectly as “utilize” really isn’t a substitute for “use,” but rather used when one is applying something in an unintended manner

Example: incorrect (PR): I will utilize this stapler to staple this report.  Correct (real world): I will utilize the cork screw as a door stop.

Integrate

Dictionary: to bring together or incorporate (parts) into a whole

PRBSLSBDH: use this word when you want to sound all fancy pants when saying you’ll work with someone, whether or not you are actually integrating parts of a whole (most likely, you aren’t and you’re using the word incorrectly)

Example: let’s integrate on our announcement that Post-it notes are now available in light blue color. (To do this accurately, you need to both be on the same Post-it note team and not actually have different news or ideas to integrate)

Bandwidth

Dictionary: the amount of data that can be passed along a communications channel in a given period of time

PRBSLSBDH: bandwidth in PR is used to describe how busy you are. Use this term when you want to confuse someone into doing your work

Example: what’s your bandwidth this morning? (PR underling goes, “Huh? Uhh it’s OK?”) Great! You can help with this 50 page report. I need it in 20 minutes.

Sleuth

Dictionary: to track or trail, as a detective

PRBSLSBDH: as a manager, you use this word to describe someone when he has done some minimal amount of researching (aka his job), and have thoroughly kissed your rear end

Example: great job sleuthing, Christopher. You found out what 2+2 equals. Yay!

I know, raaaiiiiiiggggghhhht?!

Dictionary: something an idiot would say

PRBSLSBDH: exactly, something an idiot would say

Example: I know, raaaiiiiiiggggghhhht?!

Noodle

Dictionary: a narrow strip of unleavened egg dough that has been rolled thin and dried, boiled, and served alone or in soups, casseroles, etc.; a ribbon-shaped pasta

PRBSLSBDH: one would say “noodle” in place of “think,” but the type of thinking you’re actually going to do is vague enough where this word may act as a diversion when you don’t know how to respond to a pressing question, and aren’t sure you really want to respond or think about the subject

Example: let me noodle on this request for production for a while (note to self: file it away ASAP)

Underwater

Dictionary: existing or occurring under water

PRBSLSBDH: one would say you’re “under water” when asked to help other team mates and you really don’t want to. Disgruntled employees and lazy, selfish people use this word masterfully

Example: I’m a bit underwater today so I won’t be able to help you with the event (*goes back to reading PerezHilton)

Deck

Dictionary: any open platform suggesting an exposed deck of a ship

PRBSLSBDH: when wanting to sound important, use “deck” and “PowerPoint presentation” interchangeably

Example: here’s our updated plan. Let’s go through the deck when you have a second

Best Practices

Dictionary: N/A

PRBSLSBDH: a best practice is a guideline on how to best do something, well. In PR, you wield this around as an opportunity to brag about your lame piece of work that no one cares about. The amount of time you spend compiling your best practices document and the e-mail to introduce it should take you at least 5 times as much time to create than the amount of work you did

Example: I wanted to share some best practices on how to pitch Good Morning America (although everyone is in the business of media pitching and knows the ins and outs already)

The occasional dog that visits the office is showered with more praise than you could ever dream of receiving for simply knowing how to sit and lie down.