The occasional dog that visits the office is showered with more praise than you could ever dream of receiving for simply knowing how to sit and lie down.

One of the more memorable moments from “Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith” is when Obi-Wan Kenobi confronts the burgeoning Darth Vader and says of the young padawon’s demands that “only a Sith deals in absolutes.”

Oh contraire, Obi-Wan, I dare you to consider the PR professional.

Despite this core belief that the work PR pros do isn’t brain surgery, and thus shouldn’t be treated as life or death situations, it’s an everyday norm to constantly be dealing in absolutes. You absolutely need to complete this merchandise report that no one will read, even if you have to stay until midnight, or you absolutely will be reprimanded. You absolutely need to audit 50 consumer editors in 15 minutes and provide meaningful insight or you absolutely will be fired. You absolutely need to cozy up to your manager’s behind or you absolutely will not be promoted. You absolutely need to proofread your emails 100 times before hitting send or you absolutely will be reminded of the time you mispelled “because” for the rest of your career. You absolutely need to throw someone under the proverbial bus first or someone else will absolutely do it to you. You absolutely need to do exactly as you’re told or are absolutely not right for this profession.

And in PR, you absolutely better suck it up and take it or absolutely kiss your career goodbye. It’s a love-hate relationship but there is something about these absolutes that keep us coming back for more, like a cheap hooker to her stash of low-grade cocaine.

People can’t stop talking about how twitter will revolutionize key message penetration (just like Facebook, MySpace and Youtube before it).

Just as ROI is a phrase that is used in PR for the express purpose of dodging a bullet, “flexible” is often used to silence opposition, rational disagreement and/or discussion. The person who uses - no, abuses - this phrase typically fits a certain profile:

• Intolerant
• Susceptible to brown nosing
• Totalitarian
• Elitist
• Not as wise as he thinks he is
• Middle manager

Underling: Hey, I think there is an issue with how we’re migrating our database. How efficient will this be for the team?

PR flak: Ummmm, well, I think it’s a work in progress and we’ll figure out the nuts and bolts along the way.

Underling: But what if there is a huge issue that we’re not accounting for now and it becomes an emergency when clients make a coverage recap request?

PR flak: You need to be more flexible.

This tactic, like many others in a PR agency, is designed specifically to give disgruntled employees a pound of flesh before shutting them down. Thus, creating a cyclical process that never accomplishes anything meaningful. Funny, that sounds a lot like PR.

The most unlikely place you would think to hear the phrase “ROI” would be a PR agency. But if you’re a seasoned PR pro, you understand the power of wielding this phrase, in front of clients, budget conscious senior management and fresh-faced underlings.

What is ROI? It’s what you say when you haven’t done your budget research, want to come off as analytical or sound like a total flak. From my experience, this phrase is used when clients ask you to deliver on a monumental task (most likely celebrity engagement or broadcast media tour) and you really need an excuse to get out of failing. 

Client: I think this plan could really benefit from celebrity endorsement. Let’s get Megan Fox to come by our event and promote so-and-so product.

PR flak: Interesting. That sounds very doable, but is it really the best ROI?

Client: Hmm, I guess not. What do you think we should do then?

PR flak: We should leverage (more to come on “leverage” another day) our existing media contacts to evangelize our product.

End result: Whew! I just ROI’d my way out from between a rock and a hard place.